What really got me about Will and Grace this week was that i was going to be Boy George this Halloween, until i cut my hair. That almost made me get up and leave the room.
Hell, i probably won’t even love myself anymore in four years. I’ll just be some sold-out corporate rat who wasted his life trying to please all the wrong people and never himself and who owns all the wrong, insignificant albums, because he tried too hard to choose what he liked. I’ll just be an empty wasted shell who never touches his guitar and starts stories with “When i used to write songs…”
I think i might start compulsively lying and making up stuff to make this more interesting. It just makes me a bit queasy thati get online and just spill all the contents of my head out onto my keyboard. It’s messy. And, crushing krisis has apparently become the behind the scenes guide to my life, since quite a few of my friends read it to catch up on what they missed and then talk to me about it. I’m actually okay with that, as opposed to some journalers who run screaming from their server when their real friends find them out. What disturbs me is that this is so banal now that my friends read it to catch up. It’s become just a pale reflection of my already pale life. Which means, those out in internet-land can’t be having too much fun reading it. Or maybe they are; humans are nothing if not voyeurs, and this is the perfect window to through which you can see me naked. And my ass isn’t even that nice…
It’s gone back and forth so many times… people thought i was gay, so eventually i decided that i didn’t give a fuck and i flirted with them to make them uncomfortable as a defense mechanism, so then people stopped teasing me because they all assumed i actually was gay, so now i’m just really defensive about it, which makes me seem like i’m in the closet, so now my friends mostly take bets behind my back about when i’ll finally hook up with some really nice guy.
As of now i can’t really think of why i wasn’t eating meat for over two years. I mean, i know the reason, and it’s been documented in this very blog for all to see, but i don’t know why it became such a big part of my identity. Last night i had a chicken cheesesteak, for the first time in years. I loved every bite of it. In fact, i might have another one for dinner tonite! It’s hard to believe that just a week ago i would’ve turned my nose up in disgust at that sandwich (well, actually i’ve been drooling over such treats for about a month before finally giving in, but i think you get my point). It just goes to show you how people change… between my short hair, lack of shiny clothing, and omnivorous lifestyle, i’m not sure that people from highschool would even recognize me! I can’t wait for our five-year reunion :p