• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

  • DC Guides
    • DC Events
    • DC New 52
    • DC Rebirth
    • Batman Guide
    • The Sandman Universe
  • Marvel Guides
    • Marvel Events
    • Captain America Guide
    • Iron Man Guide
    • Spider-Man Guide (1963-2018)
    • Spider-Man Guide (2018-Present)
    • Thor Guide
    • X-Men Reading Order
  • Indie & Licensed Comics
    • Spawn
    • Star Wars Guide
      • Expanded Universe Comics (2015 – present)
      • Legends Comics (1977 – 2014)
    • Valiant Guides
  • Drag
    • Canada’s Drag Race
    • Drag Race Belgique
    • Drag Race Down Under
    • Drag Race Sverige (Sweden)
    • Drag Race France
    • Drag Race Philippines
    • Dragula
    • RuPaul’s Drag Race
    • RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars
  • Contact!
You are here: Home / Personal / topics / college / My Secret Rock Star Life

My Secret Rock Star Life

November 5, 2006 by krisis

I suppose that last post bears some explanation of my secret rock star identity.

It is so secret that hardly anyone is aware of it. Hopefully that will soon change.

I started writing original music in high school as a hobby – not something I defined myself by. In college i was a part of a group of extremely talented actors, singers, and musicians. But, though i could rightfully identify myself in all three categories, i never felt as though what i was bringing to the stage was as valid as what other people did. After every audition or performance I was my own harshest critic, and as a result I slowly disappeared from performances, relegating myself to a off-stage role.

However, there was still one thing at which I was better – maybe best – than everyone I knew: writing songs.

It wasn’t a matter of pride or self-confidence – it was just something i knew. My best five or ten or twenty songs stood up against the songs of my friends, and even the songs on albums I bought every week. I could remain a performer as long as I had my songs, so I labeled myself a singer-songwriter. I played at parties. I recorded songs for my webpage. I walked from my apartment to campus, playing guitar and singing the whole way. As long as i had a song to stand behind i was fearless.

As college wore on, some of the more multi-talented friends in our extended group gained an amount of local notoriety as singer-songwriters fronting bands. I finally had people – peers – to compare myself to, and it was immediately clear that I didn’t sing as well, or play guitar as well, or record as well, or work the stage as well.

This was especially demoralizing because my songs were still great – it was just me that wasn’t good enough. I let it get to me – right down to the very core of me, and as a resultI graduated having not played an original front of people for over a year (with one exception – poorly received), and I had even stopped recording – frustrated that my voice never came out how I heard it in my head.

I decided that for my first year of professional life i was leaving my creative side behind – i had to focus on working hard, and on being a good boyfriend to Elise, because that’s what was important. Creativity, music especially, was a lark I could afford to ignore.

My resolve was strong, and even after the year was over and I starred in a successful bit of post-collegiate theatre i was still holding out on music. I still hadn’t performed anywhere, and even my once-prolific writing had ground to a halt.

I can pinpoint the exact moment when everything changed.

Last December I made my yearly appearance at the Shubin Theatre Holiday Revue. I appear not because of any great talent, but because I am friends of the Shubin family, which includes Gina, my sometimes co-writer. In 2005 I was performing on relatively short notice, and so instead of my typical cover or collaboration I decided to play an original – Seams – a song all about my imperfection, my lack of confidence, my reticence to perform anywhere outside of my own bedroom.

In that tiny theatre with forty or fifty people watching I rediscovered me as a musician. I was singing words I had written, words I still very much meant, and as they left my mouth I could feel – even see – them connecting with members of the audience. At the after party people asked where they could see or hear me perform and, slightly embarrassed, I told them that they couldn’t.

As I said it I realized the ridiculousness of it. I had these great songs – catchy songs, witty songs, meaningful songs – and here I was refusing to play them because I didn’t deem myself to be good enough. It seemed rational to me for years, but that night I realized how unfair it was to the songs.

I am no longer a part of that disproportionately talented college friends – I’m a part of the world at large. And, in that world I am unique in my ability to sing and play at all, let alone with some amount of skill, and I am unique in my ability and willingness to document my life through song.

In this much wider world I am done with hiding my songs in my bedroom, and with that newfound confidence i find that my singing, playing, and performing are suddenly not so bad as i thought they were. I can play in front of friends or strangers knowing i deserve their attention as much as anyone else, and sometimes i even win it.

Today, and tonight at The Sidecar Bar, I am a singer-songwriter. And, it’s not a secret anymore.

Filed Under: college, memories, my music, NaBloPoMo, self-critique, stories, Year 07

Previous Post: « Out of Sleeping In
Next Post: A Picture Share! »

Primary Sidebar


Support Crushing Krisis on Patreon
Support CK
on Patreon


Follow me on BlueSky Follow me on Twitter Contact me Watch me on Youtube Subscribe to the CK RSS Feed

About CK

About Crushing Krisis
About My Music
About Your Author
Blog Archive
Comics Blogs Only
Contact Krisis
Terms & Conditions

Crushing Comics

Marvel Comics

Marvel Events Guide

Spider-Man Guide

DC Comics

  • Most Wanted DC Omnibus - DC Universe Events Omnibus Mapping 2025Every Missing DC Universe Event Omnibus, Mapped | 2025 Tigereyes Most Wanted DC Omnibus Poll
    Every missing DC Universe Event omnibus mapping from DC Comics to prepare for the 2025 Tigereyes Most-Wanted DC Omnibus Poll. […]
  • Most Wanted DC Omnibus - DC Villains Joker Omnibus MappingEvery Missing DC Villains Omnibus – Joker, Lex Luthor, Doomsday, & More, Mapped | 2025 Tigereyes Most Wanted DC Omnibus Poll
    Missing DC Villains omnibus mapping - Joker, Doomsday, Lex Luthor, & more! - for the 2025 Tigereyes Most-Wanted DC Omnibus Poll. […]
  • Most Wanted DC Omnibus - DC Solo Heroes Q to Z The Spectre Omnibus MappingEvery Missing Question, Zatanna, Spectre Omnibus & More, Mapped | 2025 Tigereyes Most Wanted DC Omnibus Poll
    Missing DC Hero Q-Z omnibus mapping - Question, Spectre, Zatana, & more - for the 2025 Tigereyes Most-Wanted DC Omnibus Poll. […]
  • Most Wanted DC Omnibus - DC Solo Heroes F to P Martian Manhunter Omnibus MappingEvery Missing Firestorm, Jonah Hex, Martian Manhunter Omnibus & More, Mapped | 2025 Tigereyes Most Wanted DC Omnibus Poll
    Missing DC Hero F-P omnibus mapping - Firestorm, Jonah Hex, Martian Manhunter, & more - for the 2025 Tigereyes Most-Wanted DC Omnibus Poll. […]
  • Most Wanted DC Omnibus - DC Solo Heroes A to E Doctor Fate Omnibus MappingEvery Missing Blue Beetle, Doctor Fate, Deathstroke Omnibus & More, Mapped | 2025 Tigereyes Most Wanted DC Omnibus Poll
    Missing DC Hero A-E omnibus mapping - Blue Beetle, Doctor Fate, Deathstroke, & more - for the 2025 Tigereyes Most-Wanted DC Omnibus Poll. […]
  • Most Wanted DC Omnibus - Superman Family Supergirl Omnibus MappingEvery Missing Superman Family Omnibus, Mapped – Superboy, Supergirl, & More! | 2025 Tigereyes Most Wanted DC Omnibus Poll
    Every missing Superman Family omnibus mapping - including Supergirl & Superboy - from DC Comics for the 2025 Tigereyes Most-Wanted DC Omnibus Poll. […]
  • Most Wanted DC Omnibus - Superman Omnibus MappingEvery Missing Superman Omnibus, Mapped | 2025 Tigereyes Most Wanted DC Omnibus Poll
    Every missing Superman omnibus mapping from DC Comics to prepare for the 2025 Tigereyes Most-Wanted DC Omnibus Poll. […]
  • Every Missing Suicide Squad Omnibus, Mapped – plus, other DC Teams! | 2025 Tigereyes Most Wanted DC Omnibus Poll
    Every missing Suicide Squad omnibus - plus other DC teams - mapping from DC Comics for the 2025 Tigereyes Most-Wanted DC Omnibus Poll. […]
  • Most Wanted DC Omnibus - Teen Titans Omnibus Mapping 2025Every Missing Teen Titans Omnibus, Mapped | 2025 Tigereyes Most Wanted DC Omnibus Poll
    Every missing Teen Titans omnibus mapping (plus Young Justice) from DC Comics to prepare for the 2025 Tigereyes Most-Wanted DC Omnibus Poll. […]
  • Most Wanted DC Omnibus - Shazam Omnibus Mapping 2025Every Missing Shazam Omnibus, Mapped | 2025 Tigereyes Most Wanted DC Omnibus Poll
    Every missing Shazam omnibus mapping from DC Comics to prepare for the 2025 Tigereyes Most-Wanted DC Omnibus Poll. […]
  • Most Wanted DC Omnibus - Legion of Super-Heroes Omnibus Mapping 2025Every Missing Legion of Super-Heroes Omnibus, Mapped | 2025 Tigereyes Most Wanted DC Omnibus Poll
    Every missing Legion of Super-Heroes omnibus mapping from DC Comics to prepare for the 2025 Tigereyes Most-Wanted DC Omnibus Poll. […]
  • Most Wanted DC Omnibus - Green Lantern Omnibus Mapping 2025Every Missing Green Lantern Omnibus, Mapped | 2025 Tigereyes Most Wanted DC Omnibus Poll
    Every missing Green Lantern omnibus mapping from DC Comics to prepare for the 2025 Tigereyes Most-Wanted DC Omnibus Poll. […]
  • Most Wanted DC Omnibus - Justice Society Omnibus Mapping 2025Every Missing Justice Society Omnibus, Mapped | 2025 Tigereyes Most Wanted DC Omnibus Poll
    Every missing Justice Society omnibus mapping from DC Comics to prepare for the 2025 Tigereyes Most-Wanted DC Omnibus Poll. […]
  • Most Wanted DC Omnibus - Justice League Omnibus Mapping 2025Every Missing Justice League Omnibus, Mapped | 2025 Tigereyes Most Wanted DC Omnibus Poll
    Every missing Justice League omnibus mapping from DC Comics - plus Trinity team-ups! - for the 2025 Tigereyes Most-Wanted DC Omnibus Poll. […]

Content Copyright ©2000-2023 Krisis Productions

Crushing Krisis participates in affiliate programs including (but not limited to): Amazon Services LLC Associates Program (in the US, UK, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, and Spain), eBay Partner Network, and iTunes Affiliate Program. If you make a qualifying purchase through an affiliate link I may receive a commission.