• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Crushing Krisis

The Newest Oldest Blog In New Zealand

  • DC Guides
    • DC Events
    • DC New 52
    • DC Rebirth
    • Batman Guide
    • The Sandman Universe
  • Marvel Guides
    • Marvel Events
    • Captain America Guide
    • Iron Man Guide
    • Spider-Man Guide (1963-2018)
    • Spider-Man Guide (2018-Present)
    • Thor Guide
    • X-Men Reading Order
  • Indie & Licensed Comics
    • Spawn
    • Star Wars Guide
      • Expanded Universe Comics (2015 – present)
      • Legends Comics (1977 – 2014)
    • Valiant Guides
  • Drag
    • Canada’s Drag Race
    • Drag Race Belgique
    • Drag Race Down Under
    • Drag Race Sverige (Sweden)
    • Drag Race France
    • Drag Race Philippines
    • Dragula
    • RuPaul’s Drag Race
    • RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars
  • Archive
  • Contact!
You are here: Home / consume / food / I Nearly Died.

I Nearly Died.

August 28, 2008 by krisis

Today I nearly died.

I am not a fan of lunch. Or breakfast, actually. Essentially, daytime meals just aren’t my thing. My ideal workday starts with a twenty ounce, all fruit smoothie and includes a brief, protein-filled snack, enabling me to power through my afternoon in a frenzy of incisive edits and timely project management.

Some days, though, I need more serious refueling, and at noon when I came out of four back-to-back meetings over three hours I decided today was one of those days.

Mindful of my pre-wedding, pre-house budget, I turned down an offer from our designers to pick up sushi (sob), and instead headed for my #1 most reliable lunch destination – Mama’s Vegetarian.

(Note that on my proverbial desert island all that is served is sushi and falafel.)

I ordered my usual, “large mama’s, whole wheat, hummus, not hot,” and headed over to the salad bar to stock up on pickles, extra tahini, and something I hadn’t seen there before – some awesome, super-green tabouleh, dotted with couscous, or maybe pine nuts?

A good falafel causes me to maul it with wild abandon, as if I’ve been starved for weeks. Crumbs and tahini explode in every direction – I have no semblance of restraint.

Today was no exception, except for when I took that first voracious bite I discovered that my “not hot” got translated as “with hot.”

This is not how I nearly died. Mama’s hot sauce is hot, but not too hot. I can and do enjoy it from time to time. I just wasn’t prepared for the hot sauce – it caught me off guard.

I glanced around my desk for a method of fanning the flames now active on my tongue. I ate a pickle, which helped. I eyed my extra tahini, but I would need that to douse the rest of the falafel.

My eyes settled on the tabouleh. Leafy, grainy – perfect to scrape the hot out of my throat so I could better prepare for the next bite. I scooped up a heaping portion of the tabouleh on my fork – at least a tablespoon, and crammed it into my mouth, swallowing some as soon as it hit my tongue.

This is how I nearly died. You see, the tabouleh was not tabouleh. It just looked like tabouleh. It was actually ground up hot peppers.

Oh yes. And that couscous and/or pine nuts? Those would be the hot pepper seeds.

It was the hottest thing I have ever tasted. Or felt. Or contemplated. I don’t have a word for its hotness. And, take note, my father is a hot pepper farmer.

My face flushed with blood and drained of color in rapid succession. My tongue went absolutely numb from shock. I couldn’t breath.

I reflexively – foolishly – swallowed the entire tablespoon of not-tabouleh just to get it out of my mouth.

This was the incorrect stratagem to ameliorate the situation.

To its credit, my body – perhaps sensing my impending peril – did everything within its power to expel the offensive material from my esophagus. I coughed. I trembled and heaved. I began to rapidly hiccup.

All to no avail – I was committed to digest this foul pepper paste – a paste so hot that for the rest of the day I could physically feel its exact location within my digestive system at any given time by pinpointing the intense burning sensation within my body, and which resulted in several occasions of me lying prone on the floor of my cube, praying to whatever gods would listen to purge me of this awful misery.

Let’s just say that the average adult has four to seven meters of small intestine, and that after today I am acutely aware of that fact.

No related posts.

Filed Under: food, stories

Previous Post: « Exteriors.
Next Post: Taking The Dive »

Primary Sidebar


Support Crushing Krisis on Patreon
Support CK
on Patreon


Follow me on Twitter Contact me Watch me on Youtube Subscribe to the CK RSS Feed

About CK

About Crushing Krisis
About My Music
About Your Author
Blog Archive
Comics Blogs Only
Contact Krisis
Terms & Conditions

Crushing Comics

Marvel Comics

Marvel Events Guide

Spider-Man Guide

DC Comics

  • New for Patrons: Guide to Drax the Destroyer
    Learn about the many eras of Drax the Destroyer in my new Guide to Drax, including how the MCU pulled one major detail from each incarnation. […]
  • Guide to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IDW ContinuityNew for Patrons: Guide to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IDW Continuity
    Dig into over 200 issues of turtle power in perfect story order with my Guide to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comics at IDW! […]
  • Drag Race Sverige Season 1, Episode 3 – “Drag-a’-mera!” design challenge Review & Power Ranking
    The queens of Drag Race Sverige stress over a Drag-a'-mera unconventional materials design challenge and a pair of intimidating judges in Christer Lindarw & Fredrik Robertsson. […]
  • New for Patrons: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Guide to Mirage Studios Continuity
    Curious about the b&w indie comic origins of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? my Guide to Mirage Studios Continuity covers every issue! […]
  • Drag Race Belgique Season 1, Episode 5 – Snatch Game & Night of 1001 Audrey Hepburns Runway
    The queens of Belgique compete in a oddly low-key Snatch Game and a Night of 1001 Audrey Hepburns runway that emphasized realness over glam. […]
  • RuPauls Drag Race Season 15 Episode 12 - Wigloose The Rusical Title CardRuPaul’s Drag Race Season 15, Episode 12 – “Wigloose The Rusical” Review & Power Ranking
    Wigloose is one of the best Rusicals ever, and it arrives at the perfect moment to address anti-drag, anti-LGBTQA* legislation across America. […]
  • Updated: Guide to X-Men Legacy
    I updated my Guide to X-Men Legacy, but it's more like an anti-update - since Marvel has yet to get around to recollecting Mike Carey's incredibly run. […]
  • Guide to GamoraNew for Patrons: Guide to Gamora
    Learn more about Thanos's adopted daughter and the most dangerous woman in the galaxy in this Guide to Gamora, of the Guardians of the Galaxy […]
  • New for Patrons: Guide to Shadowhawk by Jim Valentino
    If you've spent some portion of the past 30 years curious about Jim Valentino's Image Comics hero, my new Guide to ShadowHawk explains his history and how to find every issue in reading order. […]
  • Drag Race Sverige Season 1, Episode 2 – “MARATHON Talent Hunt” Review & Power Ranking
    It's the "MARATHON Talent Hunt" as Drag Race Sverige puts on a talent show with some shocking acts, followed by a Pippi Longstocking runway. […]
  • Shazam Guide, The Captain Marvel of DC Comics – now available to the public!
    Excited for Shazam! Fury of the Gods but unsure where to start reading his comics? My Shazam Guide covers EVERY appearance from 1940 to today! […]
  • Drag Race Belgique Season 1, Episode 4 – “L’émission qui vous déshabille” acting challenge & “Ceci n’est pas un look!” runway Review & Power Ranking
    Drag Race Belgique delivered a brainy episode filled with culture with a spoof of the documentary "Ni Juge, Ni Soumise" and a Magritte-inspired "Ceci N’est Pas un Look" surrealist runway. […]
  • RuPaul's Drag Race Season 15 Episode 11 - Two Queens One Joke - Comedy Luxx Noir London Loosey LaDucaRuPaul’s Drag Race Season 15, Episode 11 – “Two Queens, One Joke” Review & Power Ranking
    The Top 7 queens of RuPaul's Drag Race Season 15 take the stage for a Two Queens One Joke comedy challenge and a Rip Her To Shreds runway. […]
  • Updated: Guide to New X-Men by Grant Morrison
    My Guide to New X-Men is freshly updated with the newest reprinting of the New X-Men by Grant Morrison omnibus, the final Peter Milligan recollection, and more. […]

Layout copyright © 2017 · Foodie Pro Theme by Shay Bocks · Built on the Genesis Framework · Powered by WordPress

Links from Crushing Krisis to retailer websites may be in the form of affiliate links. If you purchase through an affiliate link I will receive a minor credit as your referrer. My credit does not affect your purchase price. Affiliate programs and affiliations include, but are not limited to: Amazon Services LLC Associates Program (in the US, UK, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, and Spain), eBay Partner Network, and iTunes Affiliate Program.