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You are here: Home / Personal / off-topics / family /

December 25, 2000 by krisis

Yes, so, now my emotional life rests on the whims of a four year old, which honestly makes me feel a hell of a lot safer than when it rested on the whims of any number of nineteen and twenty year olds. But, this is just a symptom of my newfound adoration of young children. There’s this question on theSpark.com’s mating test that asks “Aren’t babies special?,” with the obvious intention of trying to suss out whether or not you are interested in having children any time soon. I always answered no, but this week i was thinking about it and i suddenly wanted to get online and change my answer to yes. I think it’s an age thing – i spent the entire week with three women aged roughly 75 who are slightly erratic and senile but also very funny, warm, and engaging. At the same time, tonight the only person who was missing from my family dinner was my paternal grandmother, who is in hospice care and not even 70.

My mother has a 26 year lead on me, so when i’m 40 she’ll be a venerable 66. She had the good fortune of having me while she was young and also forming a career for herself, so she now gets to watch me grow to be an adult as well as working at something she somewhat enjoys. All of my tiny cousins were born to aunts in their 40’s … when Audrey is my age her mother will be on the other side of 60 (and i’ll be 38… dear lord, let me find the fountain of youth before then…). How old will she be when Audrey has her own children?

I’m obviously biased by having such a young mother and father (it’s his 50th birthday today), but in my reflections on when i want to consider children in my own life a very certain and relatively small window of time is developing. I obviously would want to be out of college and securely in a job, but i’d want to have children while i was still young enough in body and heart to truly enjoy the experience and still have a life afterwards. That leaves a span of years that’s something like 26 – 35, which in today’s society (and recently in my family) is relatively young. But, what’s a boy to do? I might not be done living my own individual life by then, but do i really want to be in a retirement home when my kids graduate from college?

These are the thoughts that run through my head when i’m trapped in a condo in Florida at 4am with nothing to eat other than a bag of mini Twix bars and nothing to do except watch teevee or dream. These dreams are almost nightmares in a way, not because they’re frightening in and of themselves, but because they make me realize just how small the span of life really is. I somehow expect myself to mature into a lover and father in the next decade and a half… doesn’t that mean that i need to start dating eventually? Or, that i should start experiencing the things i want to do now rather than assuming i’ll get to them later?

Or maybe i should just start packing benadryl with me when i go on vacation so i’m not left with the time to ponder this sort of stuff. Either that or bring my guitar next time…

Related posts:

  1. the big kids are in the next room
  2. Collecting Nova comic books as graphic novels

Filed Under: family, self-aware, thoughts Tagged With: florida, mom, x-mas

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  1. Crushing Krisis » says:
    August 18, 2007 at 12:34 pm

    […] Um, guys? I implicitly trust your opinion when it comes to links of the day, and this seems really fascinating, … … but i can’t figure out quite what the fuck it’s about. Any ideas? And, while i’m in a link frenzy…) I can’t decide if milk came out of my nose after reading this excursion in creative parenting because it a) Reminds me of the sortof wacky reasoning my mother might have employed b) Seems like something Melly would say four years from now c) Sounds like it could be the cousin of something found on Henry’s Diary d) Makes me miss the wonder of being four, and look forward to seeing it through a different set of eyes eventually. Actually, all four. Although, i definitely imagined the phrase “Millennium Falcon” spoken by my mother at some point in the middle of the entry, which was definitely creepy. Link stolen from the newly over-the-hill JillMatrix, who’s hotter at 40 than Sheryl Crow is. And, she easily rocks just as much. Oh, and, hey, i know why he has his windows open! Right now he has a ton of friends over and they’re all smoking dope and re-graffiti-ing his room. So, i suppose that mystery has been solved… excuse me while i rock on with my bad self for spying them in the act! […]

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