It’s funny. Really. Just laugh.
I find myself emotionally rather pathetic. I mean, i have my own soap-opera running daily in my head with me as every major male character so i can try on various romantic possibilities for size, but they’re really all just possibilities – as many as anyone else has. Today, does Peter elope with Catherine? Or, will Peter break up with Joan when he finds out that she’s been cheating on him with Peter? And, Peter and Jessica’s wedding! On the next “Crushing Krisis!” But, anyhow, moreso on the notify list then on here i just posted my little romantic peevishness and suddenly i’m Fabio or Brad Pitt or something. And, it’s funny, because generally i view myself as the incredibly pathetic and unromantic entity, but apparently i’m painted as a much more dashing figure via this log … no surprise, since these are words piped directly from my head. I paint myself approximately as much as a loser as Brian Krakow from My So-Called Life, and everyone i know had a crush on him as a character even though they wouldn’t give him the time of day within the teevee show. I think you get the point.
I sometimes forget the allure of personal experience on the internet… people flock to stories about flirting and kissing and sex like sharks following the scent of blood on the water. So, hungry much?
I have kissed three and one half people in my life, and that is not to say that i have a thing for midgets. Shortly after my first kiss i had the half-kiss, which was a kiss with full intent but no tongue. Thus, i count it as half a kiss. Person three was sortof random for a kiss, but not at all nondescript and it was with someone who i like very much as a person, so i don’t really mind it. So, there we stand at two and a half kisses. The thing is, they happened in a very isolated period of time, and i have yet to go into it any deeper than that and things are staying that way. It was not that i was a hunk; it was a total fluke, and combined they probably only count for one kiss, as each of them were rather isolated events inside of their own isolation.
We all know that my fourth kiss was Selina, and i don’t need to really delve to much into that as you can easily scope out the situation via the archives. My first kiss with Selina was the most timid peck on the lips ever and to this day it makes me wince not because of what it resulted in but because it was a very naive thing and it just shows that i never quite know what i’m getting into as i’m getting into it. The kisses got distinctly better as the weeks went on, and then they ended (without a single relapse, which is unusually healthy for a person with a personality as addictive as mine). And so began my last few months of drought.
By my 20th birthday i’ll have kissed a fifth person, because i can hardly put off practicing my multiple stage-makeouts with my co-star until opening night, but it’s not because of that that i bring all of this ridiculousness. I bring it up because i feel that there is potentially another kiss in my relatively near future. Yes, i’m sitting here worrying about kissing someone – i have every right to, since i don’t think any of the other circumstances were exactly normal in nature, so i’m still awaiting my first relatively normal kiss where i’m not entirely worried that i’m going to do something stupid and unattractive. If we were to include my myriad of “almost kisses” into the equation i would be safe and typical, but that’s why i have a song called “almost” and then another one called “typical” : so you can see that i write the same damned love song for every almost gone by, and that it’s rather typical of me.
So, anyway, eventually i have to learn how to lean into someone without feeling like i’m simply interrupting their day. I suppose that’s the whole point. And, look, i shed some fresh blood along the way. Bleh. Why am i allowed to have one of these things?
[…] I like to claim that I haven’t changed materially, but clearly I have. Not just the superficial ways – the lack of curl in my hair, or the newfound power in my voice. Not just my newfound ability to be in a steady state. I express my opinions differently. My confidence is more tempered, and my fear of failure more subtle. I play my worries much closer to my chest, and they’re a lot more complex than wondering who I’ll kiss next. […]