Such a strange feeling to be actively blogging again, reading and writing and interacting again. After two nights of messages from Rannie @ Photojunkie, the other other day i received a hello from Dave @ Acerbia. And, before i go on, need to emphasize that you really ought to click that link, if only for an example of how shwanky a blog layout can actually be, which entirely ignores the hilarious writing that you are bound to encounter. But, i digress. After having fairly meaningful conversations with them both, i am both shocked and delighted at how downright enthusiastic they are about my linking to them despite the fact that they are both nominated for Bloggies and being linked by nearly hundreds of other pages right now. That’s not what i’m here to talk about, though.

Early in our conversation Dave asked me the surprisingly succinct question, “What do all the music links have to do with crushing?” I was more than a little shocked by it, at first. Back in the day i think it would have been obvious… the sobbing and moaning about my life in the middle of the page had a direct connection to the sobbing and moaning about my life in that week’s trio … it was a direct one to one relationship. However, here in 2003 faced with that question staring at me from a gapingly white instant message window, i found myself drawing a blank.

I can’t exactly claim that music is my life, but it has always been a big part of it. I have always been a music consumer, ever since i would perform my choreographed floor exercise routine to “I’ll Tumble For You” as a child. However, it was my guitar that made it a part of my life; my ability to recreate a song anywhere and at any time via my own body. Soon that wasn’t enough for me, though, and i began writing my own songs. At first they were halting and barely melodic, relying solely on the the chords that i knew and a few that i dared to make up. Eventually, though, i had played enough songs by other people to begin to know how to get the right sounds out of myself, and that is when my songwriting truely began.

This website is obviously a living document of writing — it’s past exists in perpetuity while it’s future begins anew with each post. In its existence i have deleted only a scant handful of stray musings, and significant alterations are only ever the result of tightening my own editorial screws than any censorial hindsight. Soon after its inception, it also began a living recording of my music… flubbed starts, bad strums, and occasional shining moments … things that i remember hearing at the time more than i remember doing them.

My ability to travel back in my personal timeline via this page’s archives is magical to me — especially tracking my songs’ evolution via the song archive. Listening to the spectrum of sounds between my original conception and my current interpretation often provides a surprising peek at what my original intentions were and how i have neatly disposed of them. My choice of “World In My Hand” to open this week’s Trio was as much a nod to this as anything… this weekend i listened to its history, everything from my original by barely audible singing on its original recorded rendition to the flubbed versions from this weekend. The song itself is old, and it has barely changed… even less, perhaps, than any other song i’ve ever written. It has always been frenetic, challenging to play, and hard to remember. But, even when a song doesn’t change with time, i still do.

So, to belatedly answer Dave’s question, all the music links are an attempt to more fully record my transformation into something more than i was before. The fact that anyone ever stops by and checks in on my progress along the way is still shocking to me, and i continue to be eternally gratefully for each second spent on the task.