Today I woke up early so I could go to work early so I could get stuff done early so I could go to a press check and, ultimately, leave early.
After said early departure I engaged in a four-mile marathon walk past and through every hip men’s clothing shop in the entirety of center city Philadelphia, in search of my Lyndzapalooza outfit.
This is a time-honored tradition stretching back to 2003, when I wore my brand new orange sneakers to the first event and got them hopelessly dingy climbing up and down from our stage AKA neighbor’s elevated backyard.
Anywho, the trek, it was long. Every store is selling the same ugly men’s clothing right now, except for Diesel, which is selling fucking uglier men’s clothing. What I really wanted was a Flash t-shirt … well, no, what I really wanted was a Cheetara shirt and a Wonder Woman shirt, but in the midst of writing like 20k unique words over the past month I forgot to order them, which initiated this whole sad hunt. Eventually I found what could be my new favorite piece of clothing (only, mine is green).
Late in the game I dragged my ass the length of South Street, now quite sweating underneath my favorite suit, and increasingly parched. I bypassed mucho de Starbucks to hit one of my few favorite indie coffee shops, Java Company, on 4th and South.
As I ordered my iced soy chai latte (one of my few truly yuppie vices) I overhead a conversation:
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure he was in Clue
And, now, make sure you are picturing this correctly. I am at my most corporate, in my best suit, and also sweating to death and in running shoes trailing shopping bags, and I whip my head around and say the following:
“Um, are you talking about Clue, the movie? Because Rip Torn is not in Clue. Clue starred Martin Mull as Colonel Mustard, Christopher Lloyd as Professor Plum, Michael McKean as Mr. Green, Leslie Ann Warren as Ms. Scarlet, Madeline Kahn as Mrs. White, Eileen Brennan as Ms. Peacock, Colleen Camp as Yvette, and Lee Ving as Mr. Body.”
(Actually, it took me one or two tries to get it all out in a string, because I was getting the McKean’s name tangled, and also because I kept getting distracted by 20 ounces of iced chai latte sitting in front of me, but that was the gist of it.)
Absolutely dumbfounded at my sudden outburst, one of the men from the original conversation replied.
“And Tim Curry.”
“Yes,” I acknowledged, exasperated that he even felt the need to point this out, “and featuring Tim Curry, also as Mr. Body.”
At this point the entire coffee shop, and some children outside, are all staring at me.
“It’s my favorite movie.”
The men stared back at me, their dumbfounded faces slowly melting into a wash of pity and revulsion in reaction to my savant-like obsession with the film.
“Um, yeah. Funny how it’s a movie, but it’s a board game.”
“Yeah, my brother loved that board game. We watched it, like, a dozen times.”
“I’m going to go in the back and look it up on IMDB. I think Rip Torn was in it.”
“Yeah, I think he was.”
I turned, finally, to retrieve my drink, and received a conspiratorial wink from my barista.
“I love that movie. I thought it was so funny when I was a kid, and now when I see it I catch all these different jokes.”
Sensing she was on my side I chose not to delve into a treatise on the obliquely scatological and intensely political humor of the film.
“Yeah, it’s actually pretty subversive.”
Now completely dehydrated and about to crumble into a dusty mix of my constituent non-H20 molecules, I paid for my drink and left.
And that is why it is after 1 a.m. and my heart is beating about as fast as a hamster’s.
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