self image

October 10, 2000 by krisis

Hitting on me is very flattering, to be sure, and i usually don’t even mind when people who aren’t my type hit on me. However, in the “not my type” category, way too many gay men have been flirting with me lately. I’m not sure if i’m putting off pheremones or something, but i’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. Today at work i was alone in the store and a totally unescapable head on flirting collision occurred. One of my customers just kept talking and talking at me (“Are you from Philly?” “Oh, i’m not from here, but i love this city, don’t you?”) even after i had gotten him coffee, given him change, and made the requisite idle chatter. Only very favourite customers get to hang around and chat any longer than that unless they’ve hit upon some delightful subject. And trust me, he hadn’t.

Now, i’m not sure if any of the 20-thru-30-something men stop to think about this, but i’m only 19, and by the most exaggerated account i might be 21 (based on how i “conduct myself). More likely, if i shaved a few key spots i could easily be making huge bucks being passed off as child pornography. I know that might be rather titilating, but between my relative youth and my being straight, the gay guys are working a few of my mid-to-last nerves.

And i’m flattered, of course.

https://www.crushingkrisis.com/2000/10/1047010/

October 4, 2000 by krisis

Erm, so, having met the greater part of the Freshmen class, i have little crushes on a few of them. Already mentioned was “the cute girl” whose compatibility with me is irrelevant since she’s too perfect looking for me to ever approach. But, aside from her there’s plenty of people i have had fleeting flirting moments with, and now it’s sorta getting to a point where i should commit and flirt with people or just give it up. Did i mention how awful my life is? But, today was nice … i actually learned things in 3 out of 5 classes. Which means it must have been a good day. Also, i had another late lunch with Laurel, who i adore. All last year i kept telling her that i wanted to spend more time talking to her and now i finally have the chance. She’s one of the most wonderful people i have ever met, and i’m so glad to have the chance to get to know her a little better.

https://www.crushingkrisis.com/2000/10/997622/

September 4, 2000 by krisis

I seem to actually have some vague muscle tone right now, which is trés trés exciting pour moi. I haven’t been buff in any sense of the word since i completed my stint at summer camp before Junior year. You have no idea how much definition you get from wrangling 15 six years olds every day, starting with an hour of swim instruction in the morning.

I haven’t had any muscle tone for quite a while. Towards the end of Junior year of high school i stopped eating red meat, and after a week or two i went totally vegetarian (for the first time since age five). The summer of 1998 was not my healthiest one ever, and i think i was sort of bordering on anorexia without ever being anorexic. I was being very conscious of what i was eating in terms of if it contained any animal and whether it was healthy or not. I sortof got into the mode of only eating when i really felt hungry, which usually isn’t enough for a 16-year old boy. Meanwhile, i have image issues in general which are totally seperate from eating disorders in every way. Combine those two things and you at-worst have a recipe for disaster (a fainting spell) and at best are gonna wind up rather skinny. And i did.

https://www.crushingkrisis.com/2000/09/768336/