• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Crushing Krisis

The Newest Oldest Blog In New Zealand

  • Archive
  • DC Guides
    • DC New 52
    • DC Events
    • DC Rebirth
    • Batman Guide
  • Marvel Guides
    • Omnibus & Oversize Hardcover DB
    • Marvel Events
  • Star Wars Guide
    • Expanded Universe Comics (2015 – present)
    • Legends Comics (1977 – 2014)
  • Valiant Guides
  • Contact!
You are here: Home / Personal / topics / Philly / Digestifs (or, a requiem for eight solid hours of food and NFL football)

Digestifs (or, a requiem for eight solid hours of food and NFL football)

November 27, 2008 by krisis

I am finally old enough to enjoy a post-dinner recline on the couch while making inane commentary on football games, and I took full advantage of said privilege tonight after dining with Gina’s family for the first time in six(!) years.

While watching the Eagles rack up the highest score of the day Gina, Wes, and I organized the National Football League in descending order of mascot size, punctuated by occasionally less-than-fearsome cardinal cries.

Massive
Titans
Jets (jumbo)
Giants
Saints (if astral)

Huge
Bills (buffalo)
Texans (steers, or possibly minotaurs?)
Broncos
Bears (grizzly)
Bengals

Large
Lions
Panthers
Colts
Rams
Jaguars
Dolphins

Man-Sized
Steelers & 49ers (assumed to be burly and hard-working)
Raiders & Vikings (assumed to be fierce and conquest-oriented)
Chiefs
Packers (assumed to be like Steelers, but with more dairy in their diets)
Cowboys & Redskins
Buccaneers (more of an effete Johnny Depp pirate)
Eagles (massive wingspan makes them comparable in size)
Patriots (sorta bourgeois, comparatively)
Saints (if corporeal)

Small
Seahawks
Browns (if dogs)
Falcons & Ravens (split decision on which would be larger)

Tiny
Cardinals
Browns (if recluse)

Atomic
Chargers

.

At this point we were all in a full-on dessert coma after ingesting Gina’s pumpkin cheesecake pie, and amidst Brian Dawkins imitations*, we also found the time to judge the five most fearsome mascots…
1. Titans – Atlas is a Titan!
2. Chargers
3. Bears
4. Bengals
5. Eagles
Honorable Mention: Saints (if astral)

… as opposed to the five most harmless mascots:
1. Cardinals
2. Ravens
3. Browns
4. Dolphins Per reader feedback, a dolphin could maul a Patriot.
5. Colts
Honorable Mention: Saints (if corporeal)

.

* Everyone we know considers Brian Dawkins to be terror incarnate, and we spend the majority of most Eagles’ games commenting on the fear that he strikes into all opponents.

Tonight we determined that Batman’s interrogation of a hallucinating Scarecrow in Batman Begins was actually based on Brian Dawkins’ pass defense, and that there is likely test footage of Bale wearing a Dawkins jersey along with his enigmatic visored helmet.

I also posited a likely Dawkins’ internal monologue, but it involved a lot of cookie-monster-metal growling that I can’t really do justice in text. Maybe when my condensers arrive next week…

No related posts.

Filed Under: Philly, teevee, thoughts Tagged With: gina

Previous Post: « tune up #1
Next Post: Philadelphia, home of Black Friday »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. mary says

    November 29, 2008 at 10:10 pm

    i have to protest for the dolphin on the harmless mascot category. Though not often thought of as fear provoking think of the dolphin in this sense 300lbs of solid muscle…that can effectively kill a shark.

    might want to rethink that one because your average wild dolphin is pretty vicious….though i do understand the average person equates a dolphin with the loveable trained one we grew up with on flipper, the truth is nothing like that.

  2. krisis says

    November 30, 2008 at 11:07 am

    So, would you say the dolphin is more deadly than the majority of the human mascots?

  3. mary says

    December 1, 2008 at 12:36 pm

    most definitely.

Primary Sidebar


Support Crushing Krisis on Patreon
Support CK
on Patreon


Follow me on Twitter Contact me Watch me on Youtube Subscribe to the CK RSS Feed

About CK

About Crushing Krisis
About My Music
About Your Author
Blog Archive
Comics Blogs Only
Contact Krisis
Terms & Conditions

Crushing Comics

Marvel Comics

Marvel Events Guide

Marvel Omnibus Guide

Spider-Man Guide

DC Comics

  • Drag Race France Season 1 Episode 8 – Grand Finale & Dragnifique runway power rankings
    It's Drag Race France's finale and the queens are back for a Dragnifique runway. Who brought the eleganza… and what did I think of the winner? […]
  • Canada’s Drag Race Season 3 Episode 5 – Snatch Game: Review & Power Ranking
    Canada's Drag Race brought us a Snatch Game full of surprises, as one front-runner cemented her top spot and another saw a shocking exit. […]
  • Patron’s Choice: Guide to Black Cat, Felicia Hardy
    Marvel's Felicia Hardy is more than just a catwoman! Read about her history as I debut my Guide to Black Cat collecting guide & reading order […]
  • New for Patrons: Guide to Spider-Man, Peter Parker (2018-Present)
    As I untangled the Spider-Man collections of the past four years, I realized Peter Parker (and his clone Ben Reilly) needed a new guide page. […]
  • New for Patrons: Guide to Heroes For Hire & Villains For Hire
    This guide to Heroes For Hire (& Villains For Hire) covers the one Marvel team truly open to any member, and usually anchored by Misty Knight. […]
  • Updated: Guide to Collecting Marvel Comic Books homepage
    I've refreshed my Guide to Collecting Marvel Comic Books to make it easier than ever to browse my 100+ collecting guides and reading orders. […]
  • RuPaul’s Drag Race Down Under Season 2, Episode 1 – Cagey Queens: Review & Power Ranking
    In "Cagey Queens," The queens of RuPaul's Drag Race Down Under are challenged to find the humor in a particularly bad script for a prison show. […]
  • Drag Race France Season 1 Episode 7 – Sororité makeover challenge: Review & Power Ranking
    It's a Drag Race France makeover challenge! The final four queens proved so up to the task that they were forced into a sudden-death lip sync. […]
  • Canada’s Drag Race Season 3 Episode 4 – Bitch Stole My Look: Review & Power Ranking
    Every Canada's Drag Race queen received an identical box of materials for the "Bitch Stole My Look" design challenge - but who stole the show? […]
  • Guide to DC Comics Lucifer – now available to the public!
    Is DC Comics' Lucifer more of a Tom Ellis or a Gwendoline Christie? Find out for yourself with my comprehensive Guide to Lucifer comics! […]

Layout copyright © 2017 · Foodie Pro Theme by Shay Bocks · Built on the Genesis Framework · Powered by WordPress

Links from Crushing Krisis to retailer websites may be in the form of affiliate links. If you purchase through an affiliate link I will receive a minor credit as your referrer. My credit does not affect your purchase price. Affiliate programs and affiliations include, but are not limited to: Amazon Services LLC Associates Program (in the US, UK, Canada, France, Germany, Italy, and Spain), eBay Partner Network, and iTunes Affiliate Program.