I feel shitty. I was just talking to a guy who i always thought was totally self-confident and great and attractive and wonderful and found out that none of the above was true at all. I always had a certain envy of him inside of me because i had a lot in common with him (build, hair, humor) but he seemed so much more well-liked than me. However, as the conversation proved, he is even less confident than i am, despite all of this. Yet, in the face of all of that, he still has had some interludes with girls who i find to be totally out of my league, and then a couple of miles further than that. So… now i hate him even more for what he’s had with them, but sympathize totally with his inability to tell if he’s liked at all. Shitty.
You know what i totally don’t understand? Trying to be someone you aren’t (ie: more attractive, less obnoxious) to try to lure someone into your personal web of romance. Sure, it’s nice in theory, but if you have any serious intentions with someone would you really think you can hide those awful character traits forever? Face it, babe, the annoying laugh or the fact that you actually aren’t charming at all are going to be obvious any day once you finally get a relationship going. Call me naive, but i’d rather just stay honest straight through the day and meet someone that way. It’s bound to happen eventually…
I am missing something very tangible and yet totally unknown to me. I do well in school, my financial situation is okay, i have great friends, … and yet right now i just feel trapped inside my own life. Maybe it’s just a beginning of the term depression as i see 10 fresh weeks of schoolwork stretch out in front of me, but i don’t want to play this stupid game anymore. There isn’t a liberal arts class at Drexel that can truly challenge me, and i don’t want to be a scientist. Aside from needing to learn more history in general and of art i could literally leave school today and do Journalism just as well as i’ll be able to do it in four years. I don’t need to take a public speaking class, which is the only applicable one i managed to schedule for this term because upperclassmen have scheduling preference over me. But, does it really make a difference? I glossed through every communications class i’ve had so far without even trying to work and my in-major gpa is higher than 3.5.
But, it’s not really about classes, is it? Or, it isn’t just classes. I fill my plate with so many different things because in the end i’m not doing any of them. Maybe that’s why i adore and despise the theatre so much: i can’t fake it, and i actually have to work for it. Anything else right now pales in comparison, and i am looking towards tomorrow night’s rehearsal like a beacon, because tomorrow day will be meaningless and empty. Tomorrow night i will get to have a skill, and to work to better it. Tomorrow night i will be on stage and i will feel like a person. The theatre will be empty, but it won’t matter at all.
Truely: Peter is motivated to assertively or aggressively gain personal recognition, status, prestige, and worth in the process of social, organizational, and/or vocational interaction with others. Peter looks for opportunity, challenge, and risk if and when odds are strongly favorable. But Peter does not prefer challenge or risk if they might result in loss of status, role, or ownership. In many vocational activities, recognition is a primary motivator and, therefore, an important asset. Peter probably understands what Mark Twain meant when he said, “I can write for two weeks on one compliment.” – courtesy of Mel!
It’s not as though the show is about me, but i think it just makes me realize that i have no right to be so annoyed that everyone thinks i’m gay, because i really do send out all the signals. And, i don’t mean to… i mean, it’s obviously not a gay thing, but a culture thing – i grew up listening to Madonna and Culture club, and i gesture when i talk, and i take shots at fashion and hair-dos. But, what does that all mean, really? I make snap assumptions about people’s sexual preference based on their small habits too, but i don’t assume anything about them. Those are two different things entirely.