Trying to recognize someone you’ve never met before is just a little tricky, but my guitar and mod-squad jacket were definitely a giveaway. She was a bit more obscure, but somewhere between the bright blue eyes and the bright purple kiddie band-aid on her finger i had it figured out.
I have to say that Rabi was a lot more effervescent than i pictured her (although, how many vegan astrophysicist rugby players do i really know to judge by?), and i can’t even begin to imagine what about me was suprising to her. Swarthmore would definitely turn me into the kind of metaphorical blogger that she’s become known as, because nothing i saw there translated literally the way things do in Philadelphia. We wound up getting right under the sun as if it was just a spotlight and trading poetry for songs (literally: she took home a demo and i took home my favourite of her poems), and finding things we had in common (bitten up fingers, music fetishes, and obviously obscure writing) and some differences (my fingers are just bit by my guitar and i can’t wear band-aids, my music fetish is slighty less rare and much less under control, and how taking the middle step out of word association makes it much more mysterious) . It felt just like talking to anyone, and i’m not sure if that’s because we know too much about each other’s thoughts and things or if it’s because we’re just two too friendly people. Except, this is all about my life and Wockjabby is all about her thoughts on life, so i think we almost swapped my thoughts for her life. Or something.
Three and a half hours later felt like a much longer time, though not long enough. I had more fun playing “Under My Skin” for her than i have for anyone since i recorded it. She read a poem she’d never read out loud before. Maybe i’ll see her again in the fall.
The only person i’ve ever consciously cut out of my life without a single look back was one of my best friends. One day i just realized that even though i trusted him and enjoyed talking to him i was a worse person for the wear. Just because you like someone doesn’t mean they’re anything good for you – and when i finally realized that i knew i had to simply say goodbye because i wasn’t a strong enough person to deal with him from day to day. I don’t know what i would’ve done if i had i keep seeing him every day; trying to combine civility (because he never did anything wrong) with my urge to erase him wholly from my life. I don’t think it would’ve worked out. I probably would have wound up worse for the wear of trying to be nice to him than i would have if i had kept being his friend. I’m honestly just not mature enough to find that middle ground. So i’m stuck right where i’m standing. Again.
By the way, over 60 demos have found their way out into the hands of the public over the course of the last 10 days. Considering the scale i’m operating on, i’d say that’s equivalent to shipping gold the week of my debut. And, much in the same way last year’s demo locked me into playing “A Long Time Since” and “Other Plans” in generally the same way every time thereafter, i’m starting to feel some of the new arrangements locking in as i hear the cd more and more. And, furthermore, it’s finally opened up a chance for me to work on some new songs, some of which have made guest appearances here. But, anyway, i’m sure i have something important i’m supposed to be doing. See ya.
Okay, so, don’t hold me to this at a later date, but i’m really happy that my crush on Teri wound up nowhere. Any tiny kiss or single date that theoretically could have taken place in the last half year pales in comparison to the continued elation we have when we see each other or the way i like to just sit and listen to her talk about anything. I love to listen to people talk about their lives and their future, but most of the time i just feel like i prattle on endlessly about myself for lack of anything else to talk about. But, today i just got lost in a conversation about drum corps and houses in Northeast Philly and bullets and everything and by the time we got back to me all i had to talk about was how my life was just a flatline with no indication of movement in any direction up until just a handul of years ago and that i’m not really used to it yet.
I kept staring out of the window at green leaves waving like hundreds of tiny flags on the wind. I guess all you need is something to carry you along.
Too damned soon. Don’t know what else to think or say. I feel a little shattered.